The past month has been arguably the most emotionally turbulent time of my life, and the ride is far from over. A quote keeps coming to my mind through all of this, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, and I am actively trying to reinforce and make this a reality for myself. I have never felt so vulnerable and alone as I do right now and to my surprise, it’s not killing me. I am surviving it, and plan on continuing to survive. I know that the life I knew is gone forever now, and a future full of possibility is open to me , as hard a road as it might be, but those are the facts and I have never seen that as clearly as I do now.
I am beginning to wrestle my fears, and I am beginning to emerge from the shell I’ve been hiding in for so long, but then, as they say, I don’t have much choice at this point. Well I do have a choice, but the choice to stay withdrawn is no longer the desirable option so out comes the turtle. It’s sort of ironic that my grandfather’s little ditty name for me was Trenton The Terrified Turtle. I pretty much lived up to that. Not anymore..I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of that bleak darkness it creates within me so I think it’s time to face it.
I won’t lie, I’ve been out of this world for a long time and I’m not real sure what my place in it is. I could go on and on telling you why I am the way I am and blame this or that thing that has happened to me for it, but I”m not going to do that. I have made mistakes, and let my fears hold me back, but the past is not who I am, but a text book I can learn from. If ever there was a ‘test’ for me, this is it. Whether I pass or fail is up to me.
I am going to be using this blog a lot more as I believe it might be therapeutic and a way for me to organize my thoughts and situation a little better.
If anyone does actually read this, expect more details and disjointed rantings as I pour my angels and demons onto this page. I write for myself..an audience is a by product…though any ideas, thoughts, advice, or constructive criticism on anything is welcomed.
Until my next entry…
I love myself, I am strong, and I can do this.
Trenton A. Shuck